footprints, memories n clutters

nowadays, i've been doing lots of reflections while taking bus rides.... be it day or night, the lonely time on the bus has been reclassified as quality time.


i chart my progress and change myself to anchor on the positive thoughts during the day. i measure myself not by comparing with others, but by diligently penning down my completed tasks that have brought me to where i am now.

yes i'm happy... i'm excited... i'm euphoric!

i've made some crippling mistakes - it's like a footprint cemented on the ground that is spoiling the whole perfect landscape. it's tough not to focus on that spot and easy to lose sight of the big picture.

i've got one final clutter to clear.. n i need courage to complete the final lap to find out the real truth. maybe i've imagine the problem to be bigger than what it really is.

yet another simple realisation about life

secret to maintaining happiness?

it's about drawing a thin but clear line to separate work vs personal life. the former weighs me down and daily, the burden isn't getting any ligher. rather than worry over what is not working out right, releasing myself just by switching off eases the tension almost instantly. it's about stepping out and switching into the rest mode mentally that helps a great deal.

it has taken me decades to reach this level. i wonder why i didnt know how to release myself in the past. i'm happy that i've gone up one more notch to lead a better quality of life ;)))

my growing self awareness

when we stop n ponder, are we just taking a break or are we lost?

where is that elusive piece of puzzle?

am i taking charge of the life that i'm leading?

life is worth living once again when i start taking the responsibility to craft something meaningful for myself.

...i owe it to MYSELF to lead a good life N i'm one step closer to HAPPINESS!

so near yet so far...

while its good to have a mentor to oversee my progress, it's a chore to get it done.

am feeling the energy dip in the 2nd week of my course.

things don't happen when i sit, think and dwell on it. sigh....am just wasting time, trying to escape from the blockade i'm facing. i wish i had someone to help me with p7 which i'm struggling to get the content out.....

do i really have NO TIME?

when the whole world is sound asleep, i'm still feeling energetic after 12 hrs of work with only 5 hrs of sleep the night before. can i do better with less sleep?


the realisation of the little 'i's that is seriously affecting my quality of life has been identified. i had unknowingly and habitually telling myself that 'I HAVE NO TIME'.

no time to talk on the phone
no time to do admin work
no time for meetings
no time to do my speeches
no time for movies
no time for housework
no time to slow down to catch a breather

AND

the list goes on

it gets worse each day. i'm on the path of self destruction when it's just all in the mind. it is crippling, depressing and unfortunate.

ever wonder how role playing works to curb the bad habit?

indeed self talking can produce wonderful results. i can keep my bad habits at bay by countering it with simple acts. it diminishes the hold on me.

what's driving me? is it just growth? i'm still on the journey of discovering it. N now, its back to my homework before the another day begins.

steadfast in love

how do u react when u feel loved?

Are you more talkative and expressive than before? Would you be feeling all charged up and be all ready to serve whenever called upon? Do u have that internal energy that is spurring u up to go the extra mile?

i saw that level of heighten chirpyness in my mum who was especially expressive and energetic tonight, tending to things big and small. she expresses her love through acts of service. her behaviour gave me the impetus to pen this blog as i had recently found a new meaning about life and the way in determining happiness.

being clueless about myself, i had latched onto things and people who could only give me temporary happiness. after the peak is gone, i'm left wondering why i'm still unhappy. the emptiness is depressing. just like a ship without an anchor, i was drifting wherever the tide is taking me. do people enjoy true happiness? does the search for happiness end when one has found their true love?

the tide is slowing turning. just like a ship changing course, the process is long. but slowly and steadily, the results are showing. happiness is about knowing myself, having a set of goals to work towards where i could draw strength to fuel me for the journey ahead. the need to have positive affirmation was the symptom of having low self esteem. i did not know what was holding me back. the inertia was crippling me. what was i really hestitating about?

in a nutshell, i've graduated with the new found knowledge that i can be a bird in the sky...

Ready, Get Set n GO!

my sunday was marred by having to put with some bimbos uttering nonsense in a bid to fill the silence....

pointless chatter and the childish crowd has extinguished much of the zest and energy i've built up over the week, leaving me feeling disheartened and discouraged.

it dawns upon me that i need to be around with people with the same vision to thrive in positivity.

what's my best ammunition against the negativity surrounding me?

'Do your work' are the golden nuggets of advice that i have to keep chanting to myself. i dunno how the 7 weeks will turn out to be. i'm afraid of the valleys that i'll be going through. i'm worried about the uphill climb. i'm skeptical of the goals i've set.

tomorrow's a new week. i'm gonna gear up to fight the internal battle and hope for the best. My first target - to report for work punctually......... :U

i'm loving iT!

Praise and humor - at least this is what i've found to be effective in connecting with people.

there are also various levels of establishing connection:
1) physical connection
2) emotional connection
3) psychological connection
4) intellectual connection

sitting down and observing the many outstanding individuals who have given excellent speeches on stage, i aspire to be one of them who would stand proud and tall to be the center of attention. most importantly, it is the excitement to share part of my real self to the entire world without the need to hold myself back. and yes, laughing over my own silly mistakes inadvertently added fun and laughter for the audience.

what was i afraid of in the past? why did i waste so much energy trying to conceal my real self? life is alot more interesting and hopeful knowing that there is so much more i can do to make a difference and discard my old self!

the cost of making wrong decisions

saying 'NO' and telling the truth requires a lot of determination and courage.

its not easy to be firm as rejection results in strained relationships with long term consequences.

sometimes promises are made in a hurry and pulling out puts me in a bad light.

i'm just but a drop in the big ocean. am having regrets about a wrong decision.

are your words as good as gold?

how many times have i failed pple?

very often, promises are uttered as a means to obtain concessions at the critical moment. once the objective is achieved, we try to get away by finding excuses for not being able to fulfill it. the smarter or sly ones will remain silent in the hope that no one will recall the promise made.

today i've learnt that Our Word is Our Bond. We are only as good as our words. Unkept promises in the past have hurt me and conditioned me to guarded and wary of people. When there is little or no trust, we become withdrawn and erect a wall around us to protect ourselves from being hurt. this is the only natural defence to become less vulnerable.

trust cannot be bought. it takes an unknown period to build it up again.

are my words as good as gold? It might not be so in the past, but i will ensure that i do not over promise and underdeliver resulting in broken relationships.

where do i go from here?

when the topic of membership retention was raised, i thought i already have an answer to that question.

why am i reluctant to attend tm nowadays?

the growth spurt is over. the fun and excitement is declining. after 2.5 years, i've reached a plateau. if the average life span is at 6 yrs long, i might be breaking the record soon.

at ease and at peace

i'm tremendously happy these days. with multiple blessings coming my way, there is definitely something that i'm doing right.

i've been thrusted into the limelight. i'm overwhelmed but still in control as i know the source of it all. i wish i had adopted that advice much earlier and it could have saved me from the prolonged pain.

-- walking in obedience reaps bountiful harvest... I'm an overcomer!

frustrating yet necessary...

i don't like to be a postman at work.

there's no value add n it's a huge waste of time - coordinating with the entire world just to ensure that everyone can meet at a specific date.

i need a secretary to get these frustrating and irritating admin work out of my way.

learning it the tough way...

dominant pple don like to be cornered. they want to be given a choice and be consulted before coming to a conclusion. i've incurred the wrath of such people and it gave me the impetutus to pen this blog. it serves as a reminder that i've lots more to learn in dealing with different personalities.

when can i become a skilful mediator who is patient and knows how to play the game well?

geez... i need wisdom but it comes at a cost... usually after a mistake is made before the realisation that consequences can be averted if i had adopted a different strategy.

how do i become a better communicator or better still... be a smooth-talker?

a low EQ person like me has to work doubly hard.

capitalising on relationships

i'm going thru life learning new and value added lessons daily.

what gets pple moving to pool efforts tog to make something happen? does the common goal or vision motivate pple to go along with the flow? what happens when the common objective is missing?

I've learnt that relationships count alot in mobilising pple. imagine a scenario of a leader who works only through the authority that is vested in him. one thing for sure, the happiness index will be sorely missing. the task assigned is a burden and one can't wait for it to be done and over with.

tonight, i've learnt that friendships count alot in getting things done. without them, i would not be able to gather the pple needed to help me execute the entire contest smoothly. i love gg to the club for the companionship of friends that are constantlhy spurring one another to move further.

being active is one of the surest way of making my presence felt. however if i were to leave the club one day, will i be forgotten and forsaken? how far will my friends go to get me back on the track of pursuing my goals?

can things be simpler?

handling dominant pple....

having complaints, nonsense and the what-nots raining down incessently, what can instantly appease them?

letting down pride and adopting a non-confrontational stance is one way to ease the tension.

i can never understand how their minds are wired. they like to be on top and be empowered, towering over others and in the process make others insignificant. it doesn't hurt just to reaffirm them and pretend to be siding with them.

i'm not interested to change them. being task oriented, i like to work around the problem just making sure that my objective is met, never too bothered about who's in the wrong. sweeping things under the carpet till the whole issue blows up again... well, i can only manage this way given the shortage of time and the urgency to get things done.

there are so many interests to take care of - stakeholders, bystanders and the executers....

this is a totally different ball game - too many opinions over a single issue. the need to ensure no one is left out is draining and delays the progress unnecessarily.

TCC

what does having The Courage to Create mean?

Having the strength to start something new? the onset of a new journey peppered with surprises?

getting to know myself and looking at the core of the problem - that's what i'm gg through soon. what sort of truth will i uncover? where can i go from here? how much will i change? the transformation awaits me.... and i'm waiting with bated breath.

burn-out

for the very first time, i walked out feeling lousy. why didn't i improve

despite numerous practice sessions?

i remembered feeling really tired. i could not recall the simplest word to express my thoughts. Damn... i thought the script had been well-rehearsed? why didnt i perform to expectations?

growth is evading me. the sense of euphoria is missing.

Not growing is frustrating.

the factor that matters

it's amazing how easy it is to persuade someone totallly unrelated to be part of the greater plan with the use of excellent people skills.

when someone starts showing concern, my burden is instantly lighten, even though i've no intention of revealing it to anyone.

i admire how my boss does it easily, without any trace of favouritism. maybe this is his core winning formula that makes me lose the will to struggle or fight in search for my next job. he has earned my respect. he readily accepts anyone into his circle without prejudice.

again, allowing me to grow at my own pace with his constant attention at the right moments made me think otherwise about the perhaps non-existent greener pastures outside. or maybe there is really somewhere that suits me better, just that the timing isn't right.

Care n Concern... i'm amazed at what this invisible force can do to penetrate hearts and minds.

i learnt another new strategy about 'managing' relationships.

to tackle the trouble maker who can potentially place roadblocks in my path, i have to first establish relations with his boss - show openness and empathy.

i broke my promise ... again

what is my biggest problem today?

it's knowing that something needs to be done, yet procrastination sets in to disrupt my perfect plan.

talk about goal setting, taking a focused approach and breaking bad habits... this is nothing but hot air that gets me nowhere.

why is it so tough to get on the right track? breaking my own promises seems so easy and i didn't even realise it till a friend pointed that out. i've been critical of others who had committed the same mistake and had been hard on them. but i don use the same yardstick on myself.

time to oil those wheels and get moving again. my life had seriously been disrupted. i've been stagnanting. looking for that warm pair of hands to lift me up.

Renewing my promise

how far would you exert or stretch to achieve personal growth?

it depends on how much you really want it.

there are those who are deterred by the physical distance while others simply follow blindly because of herd mentality. some pay lip service without really committing to fulfill the goals. there are also many who are happy to rest on their laurels. bad habits are hard to break.

it really boils down to 'What's In It For Me'? do i have a sense of where i'm going by the little sacrifices i've made today. what am i passionate about?

it's important to have clearly defined goals to steer oneself towards the ultimate direction, reducing the possibility of making detours and wasting time.

Easier said than done.

many a times, it is through making mistakes that one tend to have a better picture of our likes, dislikes and personal goals. sometimes being weak and undecisive, we are controlled by our emotions. closing an eye or both to the reality have led me to be disillusioned, dependent and depressed - i've lost sight of what used to be important to me.

luckily in life, there are always second chances. although damage is not totally reversible, the little setback has taught me to be more self reliant and independent. afterall, life is like a blank drawing board where it is up to us to define where we are going.

recently in toastmasters, we were on this theme on 'Renewing our Promises'. what have i forgotten that has been dearest to me for decades? i have compromised on why i had committed to this cause in the beginning. it's time to renew that single promise that i've made. without it, i will be akin to a ship without an anchor, being swayed constantly by the passing waves. today, i've realised how far i've been from my original commitment. thankfully, it is not too late to do an about-turn.

I, ME and MYSELF

human relationships always baffles me. many a times, i wonder what is the magic formula that one can use to convince others towards a certain cause? in other words, what is unique about an individual that makes one likeable?

sad to say, no matter how hard i try to observe and emulate the true leaders, i can never quite comfortably succeed with satisfactory results. there is the stretching i need to do in order to show that i do care. there is the part about sensitivity that i need to display in taking care of people's feelings. There is also this big lesson i've learnt about respect that plays a major part in getting people onto your side.

do i care enough? do i enjoy serving people? have i been overly self-centered that i forgot about those around me?

relationships come into focus whenever i need a favour and i feel trapped and unhappy when i've to use my authority to get things done. humans are complicated. you have to please them before they will go out of the way to help you. this is what i considered extra work. sometimes it's as simple as spending time to get to know a person. i often ask myself why i'm unwilling to do so? maybe i don't treasure relationships at all and prefers to be self-sufficient? what sort of upbringing have i received to mold me into what i am today?

uncovering the dirt in me

1) think positive
2) count my blessings

2 simple yet powerful advice from friends who care about me.

Pessimism - an ingrained bad habit that i need to kick aside.

different facets of love

just when i thought i have fully comprehended about the subject on respect to the extent that i could start lecturing someone, i was brought back to reality through casual talk with someone much wiser than i am.

not being detail oriented is akin to not showing respect to someone of higher authority. i've not walked him through the flow of the proceedings that resulted in the uncovering of a big flaw that i wasn't even aware of.

i was staring into a mirror with all the shortcomings written all over my face. i'll never know how much is lacking in me if he did not point it out in a way that doesn't sound reprimanding but yet gave me sufficient food for thought.

thoughout my growing up years, i have never attempted to be sensitive enough and would speed through things without second thoughts on the impact on others.

how often do we slow down to do self reflection? how many of us bother to highlight the negative traits in others? it takes someone who cares enough to bring it up, sometimes at the expense of destroying friendship. maybe, this is what we call multi-faceted love.

fact and fiction

some men have a unique talent of using soft skills to please the opposite sex.

bearing in mind that women like communicative partners, the smart ones are making use of their communication talents to tell stories peppered with humor, in the hope of giving a good first impression.

the seasoned ones succeed while the novices reveal weaknesses by cooking up cock and bull stories and unknowingly exposing their insecurity and desperation.

the latter group is a big turn-off. of course, their stories sound entertaining at first but on closer examination, the details don't fit and obviously, the story might have been exaggerated with the purpose of impresssing. sadly, the damage is irreversible. these sly folks have a clear agenda. as they jump at every opportunity to impress women with their fictitious stories, i'm sure they'll get better.

as we start reflecting and reviewing, our wisdom grows as we find flaws in what we heard. needless to say, this will be our last meeting as your words are simply crap!

does it take herculean efforts to get into our good books?

Not at all!

Honesty and Sincerity still paves the way to our hearts. it requires zero effort and multiplies the brownie points exponentially!

Am i a bean counter?

someone asked why i was so offended when it was apparent that it was hard to please everyone in the group.

i guess it boils down to the fact that the process by which it was carried out goes against my basic core value of 'respect'.

a decision had been made and the underlying message was that i was of least importance. no proper communication prior to the official annoucement shows the acute lack of sensitivity on the part of the decision maker.

i'm not aggressive hence i won't confront. how to do i get the msg across that i'm not happy with U? perhaps a repeat episode of this will embolden me to do talk it out. afterall, clearing up the air will pave the way for a smoother relationship ahead.

Unmet expectations

being work or task oriented might be a positive trait a leader should possess, but failure to consult in the decision making process is a potential fatal flaw.

what type of leaders do followers respect?

a leader with a heart!

while it is perfectly logical to proceed ahead when the situation warrants it, consulting the ground level folks who will be affected by the decision is a key step towards earning respect. explaining the situation tactfully to get all to understand the constraints is essential. for someone who is accustomed to doing things their own way, it might be a huge inconvenience as time is required to get everyone to be on the same page. unfortunately leaders will need to learn that consultation is the way to build good relationships. not opening the channels of communication is akin to shutting them out and labelling them as unimportant. overtime, the resentment build up and this is where conflict arises. it is not easy to be frank and express how hurt we are when it is apparent that a decision has been made. the door has already been closed without being given a chance to be heard.

are my expectations overly high? a more close up assessment will reveal the truth.

what i dread most...

why do i have so little time for myself?

the answer lies in unproductive and long winded meetings that all people dread.

thankfully besides sitting through 5 hrs of consecutive meetings today, i need not take the mins this time round. as the hours drag on, i lost concentration and my head was throbbing. looking at the entire proceedings, the duration could have been halved since many points have been revisited before.

my 2 cents worth for conducting effective meetings:

1. a strong facilitator is required to control the flow and prevent discussion from going off tangent.


2. too many cooks spoil the broth. having too many contributors abt the same point lengthens the discussion unncessarily. Too often, people don't realise they are just talking around the problem instead of attacking the core of the problem. i hate it intensely! talking about it doesn't change a thing. the purpose of meeting up is to solve it. Hence the facilitator needs to direct the discussion towards tackling the issue.


3. following closely to the agenda and avoid discussing minute details. attendees get distracted and lose focus. taking it offline helps!


4. get to the point! this requires a fairly good communicator to summarize it succinctly in a few sentences. explain the objective at the beginning so that listeners will know what to take note before the rambling speech begins.


5. lastly, give an effective conclusion after every agenda belps in crystallising the points discussed. this can greatly help those who are lost in the discussion to retain the gist of the message.

i like short and sweet discussion that doesn't end up without a conclusion. recognise that if the problem cannot be solved in a single session or if we are missing out on some important inputs, move on and leave it till the next discussion. unless the meetings are facilitated by someone else, i take pride that my sessions don't last beyond 2 hours. in fact, it's my personal KPI to keep it short and succinct.

seriously, some people ought to reflect and repent...

growing in adversity

6 months ago, i was hit by a tsunami. looking back, it was akin to taking up the challenge of a 42km run without any practice sessions.

as the saying goes, no pain no gain. i wouldn't have realised how much i've grown if not for the catch up session with my ex-colleagues. most of them were complaining about their bosses and have got accustomed to their growing nonchalant attitude towards work. their comments brought me back to those days when i would sit and despair daily over my meaningless work.

i left them 10 months ago and athough i've been more unhappy than before, ironically i've been growing through the daily avalanche of work. interestingly, one of them actually commented about how blessed i was when i announced my decision to quit!

my growth rate had been exponential. it has been a period of self discovery - knowing my limits, needs and wants. in fact, i'm getting much more than i've expected. the initial euphoria of a fat pay cheque is over. with new found knowledge about myself, the 2nd half of the year will be used to chart my next crest of growth.

escaping from reality

holidaying in vietnam has been on my mind for weeks. work has been consuming me... but just when i was trying to brush off thoughts of escaping from reality, someone just asked me about my vietnam trip at toastmasters last night.

is this a sign that i should start planning to let my hair down? the humid weather, busy traffic and the living conditions don't really matter as the warmth from my vietnamese friends more than make up for the shortcomings about the place.

if i get a chance to travel again, here are the list of things i wanna do:

1) get a suntan

2) explore the streets on foot

3) enjoy a cuppa at the sidewalk cafe

4) travel to halong bay

5) take a boatride to revisit mekong river

6) crossing the busy roundabouts on my own

nailing down a date is tough but am planning to squeeze out 1 week to reward myself before the year ends.

Get to the POINT!

Nowadays, I will always either hint or boldly say out loud that i need you to summarize your thoughts in point form - simply crystallize it for easy understanding. most importantly, SAVE TIME ppplsss...

Many jobs can be done quickly if you can simply stop telling all the sob stories and get on with the main point.

Get to the point! imagine how much time we can save. unnecessary meetings can be avoided. higher productivity can be achieved. some pple just don't realise their mistakes. they talk around the problem instead of tackling the crux of it. perhaps it's the upbringing or a bad habit that is acquired from those around them. does saying little mean that you are incapable?

why am i so impatient?

maybe the job has molded me to become like what i am today. i'm by nature, a task oriented person who is only keen to complete the tasks on hand and frequently, i had unknowingly disregarded their feelings.

the damage will only be clear when i look back and observe their facial expressions. for most pple, they chose to remain silent. some assertive ones will quickly express their displeasure outrightly.

maybe i don't listen enough. i jump to conclusions or assume wrongly. it takes alot of patience and wisdom to be a good listener. whenever i find someone who displays such qualities, he earns my respect instantly. i feel good that someone cares. the world needs more pple who listen and less impatient pple like me.

beggars can't be choosers

the important lesson i've learnt today...

"leveraging on the situation to extract benefits to further our own cause"

though this is not new, having the practical experience surpasses reading all books and theories based on this strategy.

What a breakthrough in my learning journey today!

With the bargaining chip in our hands, the ball is in our court. what's next? planning the next step would be easy. afterall, their long term survival is dependent on our green light. sad to say, beggars can't be choosers.

District Contest

The mood was sombre. The situation became tense. We waited with abated breath for the District Contest to begin at AIA Changi, a yearly event where the best congregate. The onlooking crowd was almost a hundred strong.

The contest ended on a high note when Guan Hau and Daniel clinched the first runner up award for both categories, missing the first place by the skin of the teeth! Both fought all odds and emerged as the champion from the Area Club Contest to get to where they are today. The top winners get a chance to fly to Hong Kong to compete on an international platform where the cream la cream will vie for the most coveted award in August.

As a saying goes, you reap what you sow. Lots of practice coupled with hard work had to be invested to become the best. This was evident in selection of the winners for the contest. The most senior contestant was again handpicked by the panel of judges to represent Singapore. Clearly, our club winners are still not there yet but they are fast molding themselves to become better by active club visits and participation. To be at the pinnacle of success, it starts from a small seed of desire - a passion to want to do well in public speaking.

Every baby step taken by participating in club contests paves the way for greater success towards the international platform. My random chat with past contestants reaffirms the same point. Without stretching yourself, you will never experience growth.

If there is fear within you that is stopping you from participating, you are not alone. Many have chosen to take the bull by its horns and face the fear. The fear factor can be overcome. For a start, try out table topics and speaking off the cuff! Try taking your first step in a prepared speech and listen out for constructive feedback. The fear of losing face will be pale in comparison to the growth pace you will soon experience. The helpfulness of our toasties will encourage you to do better each time. Begin to uncover the speaking abilities that you already have and learn new ones.

“It does not matter how much time we have, but how we spend it.”

This was the table topic question posed to the contestants. In some sense, it caused me to reflect on my past achievements and review the road ahead if I have limited time. One of the important goals is to experiencing personal growth by going out of my comfort zone. This is an addictive path that I tread on to measure my self worth and accomplishments.

Have you found the source of energy that will spur you on? FRET NOT! The upcoming humorous speech contest in late August will give you a chance to display your wittiness. Organised by yours truly, I sincerely hope you will take up the challenge thrown at you to emerge the winner. Make our club stronger. More importantly, start clocking your achievements to begin the journey of self discovery.

it's not easy

have u ever been caught sandwiched between opposing sides, trying to get both parties to understand one another?

imagine doing it for a living...

the toughest part is having to be firm and not be swayed by the reasoning of the opposing party. many a times, they have a relevant point of view and i ended up sympathising with them and compromising my own beliefs, sacrificing the very people who are counting on me to speak up for them.

my team are silent individuals who see themselves from a lower hierarchy, feeling unfit and unconfident to speak their minds. often, i feel as though i'm standing alone in the battlefield.

where's my arsenal? where's the chatter and banter that everyone is so accustomed to behind close doors? when can you people stand up for your own cause?

i've to act firm when i'm actually not aggressive. i've to think of innovative ways to solve the situation while facing veterans who are trying so hard to force me into a corner. i'm always hard pressed for time. i see faces of villians who are trying to twart my progress. some have funny and out of the box thinking that is hard to comprehend. relationships are strained. to maintain harmony, i've to seek a compromise that is pleasing to all.

the many rounds of meetings have stretched me beyond my wildest imagination. it's growth in the midst of adversity and it's a high price to pay. i'm still treading on the path less travelled. at times, it's unbearable. but sometimes things take a drastic 180 degrees turn for the better.

reached home with a exhausted mind... 4 hours of heavy duty, marathon meeting.

when will this end?

a day well spent!

a break will truely be considered a good holiday if i can totally forget about the troubles brewing back at home.

today, i made my first trip to malaysia via the new checkpoint. gosh... the impressive structure made me feel as though i'm taking a flight out of sg. perhaps the fines that singaporeans paid have been put to good use!

the man-made waterfall, high ceilings and clear directional signs are all so reminscent of our local airport. cruising through the checkpoint with ease and comfort has brighten up my day! :)

freedom is priceless

7:43am - Boss called

10:50pm - another late night phone call from co-worker

do you all have to call me at this hr when these are non critical issues?!?!

i'm tired and sleepy but my heart is beating fast, unable to unwind. maybe another short holiday will do me good. the cheap airfares via budget airlines seems irresistable...

is there an in-between?

Would i prefer work that is non-taxing and to remain in a carefree environment where the only focus is to clock 9 hours daily, sufficiently enough to bring home a sizable income?

my ex-colleague was dangling this carrot in front of me when we met up today.

sounds like a instant temporal relief. i'm tempted to return to my previous comfort zone and escape from the hazardous environment that has plagued me for months.

i guess i wouldn't be satisfied for long before an old set of questions, problems and doubts about my self worth will surface.

is there really an in-between, with a good mix of work life balance?

many have told me that one either has to give up their social life for work or settle for a job that pays lesser but have more time to smell the roses.

i need to evaluate my wants and needs.

my staple source of entertainment

i spent the later half of my saturday at the district contest where the best congregate to vie for the most coveted toastmasters award.

For many, a chance to be recognised and affirmed as the best speaker plus an all expense paid for trip to the annual HK international convention, provides a big impetus to excel beyond their usual standards.

the competition was intense but there was a clear distinction in terms of standards between the veterans and the novices. however it doesn't take an expert judge to figure out who can be the ultimate winner.

the 2nd runner up was an easy guess whereas the first 2 winners was a tough fight between 2 veterans. their impeccable speeches have made themselves easily distinguishable from the rest.

i wonder if i'll ever garner enough courage to compete with the cream of the crop. am so near, yet so far. presenting in a club still gives me the occasional thrill. CS toasties are an encouraging bunch of friends and it's hard to find excuses not to attend the club meetings. until i manage to find new sources of entertainment, CSTM will still be my staple source of encouragement and ego food. :)

what on earth am i here for?

"what was i thinking? where am i heading to? why did i waste so much time, energy and concern on what wasn't going to last?"

why am i stagnanting...

i've forgotten my priorities and focused on the wants rather than the needs.

if whatever i've asked for doesn't come to pass based on my own timing, it is really a learning journey coupled with food for thought.

vacation phobia

a holiday wouldn't be truly enjoyable if the fundamentals have not changed...

my colleague lamented that he had to finish numerous reports before he flies off this week for his vacation.

this brought back those days of long working hours back at the office, fretting over unfinished tasks and stressing over the mounting emails which i would not be able to attend to during my brief absence of just 3 days!

i thought whether is the holiday that i'm paying for really worth every cent when my stress index reached sky high before and after returning from the trip. with the phone that keeps ringing and messages that keep popping up now and then, i can't be totally detached away from work.

if i really have a happiness index measuring device, what would the score be? did i really manage to unwind during the trip? nowadays, i ponder over my coming trips more carefully than ever.

in fact, if there is no work life balance, the frequency of holidays does not matter. all i ask for is the complete ability to unwind at the end of each day, to fully recharge myself by getting quality sleep. with this daily luxury, being able to make time for vacation will be akin to having icing on the cake!

And yes... a full weekend of rest last week did recharge me. i probably don't need an overseas holiday to feel good.

the route to freedom

my happiness is more important than how people feel.

making the decision and be convicted about doing it has helped me to go beyond what I thought I could manage.

the period of hesitation is over. i have reached the onset of a new chapter, where I need to surge forward to pursue my goals, with the sole aim of attaining happiness. with nothing to hold me back, i'm giving my best shot. by june, i hope that things will be clear... and it shall be the time for my grand plans to unfold.

my worth?

tired

disillusioned

impatient

I was reminded that 'i'm worth a thousand sparrows'... what a timely intervention to save me from plunging into the depths of depression.

a breath of fresh air

what have i learnt today?

• I can cease to be a rat that is running nowhere... am not just a WORKER. in fact, delegation through effective relationship management, can offer an outlet to relieve the mounting stress
• delegation sharpens my managerial skills

and lastly i found a real friend... in times of need.

blissful sunday

its a peaceful sunday, to be totally away from work.

am feeling super recharged tonight knowing that the following week will be an easy one...and yes... another trip to KL - life couldn't be better :)

breaking point

i just snapped at someone who called today. the urgency to quickly settle the problem before rushing off to another meeting resulted in tempers flaring. why can't anyone simply summarize what you want to say and keep the conversation short? i've no time to be patiently listening to the constant rattling of the same issues repeatedly. am not a counsellor and i don wish to be one. time is short and numerous tasks are piling up. i need team members to be more independent and less reliant on me as the middleman. it's mentally stressful and i'm worn out. it's friday and rightfully it should be the most celebrated day of the week. i felt as though i've gone through 10 days without a break.

what makes me happy

part of the reason why i blog includes the pleasure of reliving the wonderful moments that have quickly passed me by. remnants of those pleasant moments are captured in writing... the only evidence in the absence of pictures.

my happiness index is up again by a few notches. tonight's tm had been once again rejuvenating. the open evaluation was lively and stimulating. each had a piece of golden advice to share with the speaker. the many individuals had a common goal.. which is to help build up one another with constructive comments. how often do we place ourselves in mutually beneficial environment at the expense of time and money to learn a new skill? passion is the answer that continually drives us.

the casual session came to a high note when ling decided to do an impromptu speech and incorporated a birthday celebration for lani in the midst of her presentation. the birthday gal chose to complete her last leg of the CC journey tonight despite having a good reason to give tm a miss! talking about having a passion for the club... she's definitely walking the talk.

i'm extremely pleased with myself for having achieved a breakthrough as the tme tonight. it was a casual session where i could better control the flow and pace of my speech. the unique open evaluation lighten up the usual systematic sombre session that i always encounter. the more i speak, the better i become. being able to speak freely is liberating. it reaffirms my self worth. i just paid my toastmasters club fees yesterday. it's money well spent and i foresee myself growing from strength to strength along with the group of like-minded buddies.

a strategist in the making...

how often do u secretly rejoice at the departure of a 'friend' you knew at work?

we are not colleagues. he's only an acquaintance who started to wreak havoc in recent weeks. countless emails have been flying around to deliberate our next strategy. hours have been spent discussing how to best pacify him without going to the extreme of evicting him. in the end, he chose to leave with a big 'R' package which even his management agreed in order to buy some peace....

i'm not the only one motivated by his departure. all along, i had the support of my boss who was the big mastermind in cornering him to accept the payout. with his impending move, that leaves a vacuum at the top. the big ordeal of having to deal with a highly sensitive man taught me the importance of patience. his departure was indeed timely and a blessing in disguise. his thinking and distrusting attitude was a serious misfit within the organisation. he didn't leave empty handed for he had more than what he bargained for.

i'm excited about being involved in shortlisting the next replacement. the days of tolerating his ways will soon be over. i feel relieved... and looking forward to starting afresh with the new team :)

drivers... beware!

what seems like a perfect weekend was marred by a minor car accident which took place this morning.

my friend's vehicle accidentally 'kissed' the bumper of the car in front as the latter applied emergency brake to avoid a cyclist trying to beat the traffic.

as i sat in the car watching the settlement taking place, i felt super guilty as our conversation might have distracted him. the consequence of the oversight cost my friend $350 as he chose to pay for the damages on the spot.

as he sat beside me during the service, he looked tramatised and was unable to concentrate.

sigh... i'm bad with words and i didn't know what to say to help him deal with the aftermath.

driving gives one a strong sense of empowerment. however to maintain a car isn't easy. momentary carelessness can easily burn a hole in the pocket.

what makes u happy?

Friday 13th... an uneventful day

as expected, the stressful work has worn me out. no time for lunch, no time for toilet breaks, no time to stop n listen n engage in random chatter...

strolling along clarke quay this evening brought back a semblance of work life balance that has been seriously missing all this while.

someone just asked what makes me happy? I don't have a definite and straightforward answer for myself. Many a times, I've been too absorbed in trying to achieve short term goals to experience the momentary satisfaction. I don't plan for the long term. I think alot and that thinking process will cause me to lapse into depression.

Well.... I need to be with happy people to change myself.

happiness index

let me count my blessings...

1) I received a pay increase despite the downturn
2) The allowances has inflated my pay package to an astonishing level
3) Someone willingly shouldered the blame for the mistake I've made at work

Can money buy happiness? Beyond the material and tangible things, money cannot buy me happiness. Not even my inflated pay has done me wonders in lifting up my gloomy spirits. To escape the mounting troubles, I left work early today. But the short term euphoria simply led to more overtime work at home.

Making the decision to be happy despite the hovering dark clouds is crucial. I'm taking slow and mini steps to rebuilding a life that is so lacking of fun and laughter. I miss those good old times...

i'm getting fitter

i'm tired. i feel like a gym rat... having to make up for the lost time outside of work, using my precious quiet time at home clearing emails accumulated during the day.

it's a long journey. looking back, i've ran 8 months of marathon.

what have i gained? it's a back breaking journey of learning how to be patient, to be more tolerant of differences and becoming more adaptable to the harsh environment.

can someone show me the way out of the woods?

too much to lose .. too little to gain

staying on is like running a marathon in the desert. the space is vast and there's no end in sight.

when can i have a brief respite?
where's my oasis?
where's the silver lining?

then again, the alternative plan might not be a bed of roses. i wish i had a crystal ball to predict my future and weigh the options.

a new lease of life?

a potential new lease of life is within sight. there might be a turning point and there's a need to perform to qualify for another option which i've been eyeing for the past 4 months. amazingly i haven been forgotten. however I haven been practising much lately and my skills might have become rusty for the lack of frequent use.

hopefully it shall be as pleasant as what i'm imagining now...crossing my fingers and even toes for the best results ...

topping up my energy tank

what keeps you going daily?

with nothing really permanent to cling on to, for me, personal growth is one aspect that is quantifiable. looking back, what's tangible, what i can claim is mine is knowledge gained from crossing hurdles. gathering sufficient guts, conquering the fear of the unknown and thereafter knowing that i've been there, done that, is good consolation to my otherwise very predictable lifestyle.

my mind remains active and alert wanting for more of such experiences after each conquest. the joy inside me is hard to suppress and i glow with confidence.

inertia

procrastination is fueled by the reluctance to move out of my comfort zone. sometines its the fear of the unknown. at times it could be the lapse into habitual negative thinking abt numerous consequences that might befall on me. i'm a thinker.. and unfortunately i might have been my own stunbling block in life.

procrastination has resulted in alot of closed doors, similar to self inflicted injuries...

where would i be if i had taken the opportunity to talk to someone who might have given me a better job? would i have taken a totally different route if had grabbed the chance that day?

instead of lamenting about my sad state of life, getting up and doing something can at least raise hopes that getting out of the rut isn't that far off.

what do i need now? constant self reminders, discipline, late nights n lots of positivity.

mind games

it's a highly political place - learning how to please all parties, taking extra care not to neglect the unimportant ones; understanding the powerplay and pre-empting their next steps....its like treading a minefield except that the consequences are not as harsh.

witnessing power struggle unfolding right before my eyes breaks the monotony i've been experiencing in the past 6 months. And guess what? i'm officially appointed as the spy to report on any unusual activities and discrepancies the moment i sense it.

it's interesting... and more challenging given the task of having to sieve and process information before presenting it logically. sometimes the level of understanding can be greatly hampered by the lack of historical knowledge to complete the puzzle. wat i see on the surface may be just the tip of the iceberg. figuring out what's going on in their minds seems like an unattainable task.

I'm a simple-minded chap. Am confused at times but still taking things in my stride.

growing wiser

had a whale of a time yesterday, savouring whole abalones, enjoying lou hei and other traditinal new year delicacies to celebrate the new year. got invited to dinner by one of the companies that is still faring well despite the downturn.

good food was aplenty and so was wine. suddnely it didn't feel as though recession has hit us. And the discovery of a premium red wine was the highlight of the dinner - a full bodied, smooth seductive wine with a silky texture was served. it didn't burn my throat even after 4 glasses! normally the cheaper ones are acidic and overly bitter. just a few sips will curb my appetite for more.

this was a memorable night to lift up my gloomy spirits. i'm almost at the point of packing up and moving on. Am i a wrong fit for a mould that was not meant for me? perhaps the initial assessment six mths back was not thorough enough. there are many hidden facts that didnt surface despite my due diligence. Wise men learn from mistakes. hopefully the next stop would be a better place where i can really see myself growing professionally in the long term.

a perfect plan don't exist

there can never be a perfect plan to please anybody.

well... no one knows the sorrow and misery of organising large scale trips to please multiple indecisive perfectionists. first, it was bali... then it became chiang mai... well some say that we better have an alternative location in case the weather in the latter place becomes worse.

i dont care where we are going as long as i can get this trip over and done with. there has been too much time wasted in deciding the location that i cant get the more impt things done. with multiple tasks vying for my attention, my hair is turning white... n my std of living is declining with each passing day.

with watever free time i have, i'll make sure tat its going to be maximised to the fullest.

good things come in pairs...

packing up for my next work trip...

this vacation didnt come easy as i was the overall coordinator running round, tying loose ends. but strangely, i was still excited about packing up. the thought of going away even if its only to malaysia is still a pleasant tradeoff.

And good things come in pairs...
the next upcoming trip to bali just got approved! feb will be a much more exciting season with a longer r&r time at cozy resorts and enjoying spectacular views while not having to burn a hole in my pocket. life is good.. n indeed things are looking up :)

Every cloud has a silver lining

this idiom is quite an apt description for my situation now.

it felt like i've woken up fm a deep slumber. had been ignoring the glaring signals that had bugged me for months. letting go has never been easy but today marks a complete renewal of my mind. something that seems important yesterday has become insignificant. its about taking a step back to evaluate the situation and deciding to walk away than clinging on hoping for a miracle.

i feel much more carefree than before. living without worrying is pure blessing... more enjoyable than a holiday abroad. i can sleep better and cease to worry about what i cant control. Its about I, me and myself... maximising my time to the fullest without having to live for someone else. :)